Wed love to add them to our website! Please email us and let us know if you would like credit for the joke or would prefer to stay anonymous.
We love our football in the SEC and our college allegiance runs deep; Does not matter WHAT team you love. In that spirit we offer you a link to the great SEC conference where you can keep track of your favorite team - no matter what colors they wear!
"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for sentences such as, "You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish," and "To write with a broken pencil is pointless."
An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile. This year's submissions:
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore.
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered; I always call him "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen." There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. He barked, "I dropped you off!" Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me." He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car." Yep, it's the golden years.
A magazine recently ran a 'Dilbert Quotes' contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life Dilbert-type managers. These were voted the top ten quotes in corporate America:
As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.' (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp in Redmond WA )
What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.' (Lykes Lines Shipping)
E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.' (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
This project is so important we can't let things that are more important interfere with it.' (Advertising/ Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.' (Plant Manager, Delco Corporation)
No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them.' (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp)
Quote from the Boss: 'Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.' (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said,'That would be better for me.' (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.' (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division).
36 Stress Reducers (Guaranteed to Improve Your Life)
Go to bed on time.
Get up on time so you can start the day unrushed.
Say No to projects that won't fit into your time schedule or that will compromise your mental health.
Delegate tasks to capable others.
Simplify and unclutter your life.
Less is more. (Although one is often not enough, two are often too many.)
Allow extra time to do things and to get to places.
Pace yourself. Spread out big changes and difficult projects over time; don't lump the hard things all together.
Take one day at a time.
Separate worries from concerns. If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you to do and let go of the anxiety. If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it.
Live within your budget; don't use credit cards for ordinary purchases.
Have backups; an extra car key in your wallet, an extra house key buried in the garden, extra stamps, etc.,
K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut.) This single piece of advice can prevent an enormous amount of trouble.
Do something for the Kid in You everyday.
Carry a Bible with you to read while waiting in line.
Get enough exercise.
Get organized so everything has its place.
Listen to a tape while driving that can help improve your quality of life.
Write thoughts and inspirations down.
Everyday, find time to be alone.
Having problems? Talk to God on the spot. Try to nip small problems in the bud. Don't wait until its time to go to bed to try and pray.
Make friends with Godly people.
Keep a folder of favorite scriptures on hand.
Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good "Thank you, Jesus!"
Laugh some more!
Take your work seriously, but yourself, not at all.
Develop a forgiving attitude (most people are doing the best they can).
Be kind to unkind people (they probably need it the most).
Sit on your ego.
Talk less; listen more.
Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.
Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before.
40 Tips for Better Life
Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
Buy a DVR and tape your late night shows and get more sleep.
When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today.'
Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm, and Empathy.
Play more games and read more books than you did in 2008.
Make time to pray and spend time in God's word. They provide us with daily fuel for our busy lives.
Spend time with people over the age of 70 and under the age of 6.
Dream more while you are awake.
Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food manufactured in plants.
Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli, almonds & walnuts.
Try to make at least three people smile each day.
Clear clutter from your house, your car, your desk and let new and flowing energy into your life.
Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, OR issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn. Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.
Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
Smile and laugh more. It will keep the NEGATIVE BLUES away.
Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
Forgive everyone for everything.
What other people think of you is none of your business.
REMEMBER GOD heals everything.
However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
The best is yet to come.
No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
Do the right thing!
Call your family often. (Or email them to death!)
Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________. Today I accomplished _________.
Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
Enjoy the ride. Remember this is not Disney World and you certainly don't want a fast pass. You only have one ride through life so make the most of it and enjoy the ride.
May your troubles be less, May your blessings be more, May nothing but happiness come through your door!
Dilbert's Rules of Order
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days you are the pigeon and some days the statue.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the rear.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
On August 19th 2007, an oil tanker off the coast of Australia split in two, dumping 20,000 tons of crude oil. Senator Collins, a member of the Australian Parliament, appeared on a TV news program to reassure the Australian public.
On the first day, God created the dog and said: Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. Cajun Retirement Planning
The prices quoted may not be exact but you get the idea. Thanks to a Cajun buddy of ours.
If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.00. With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5.00 left. If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock, you would have $49.00 left. But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND, You would have had $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.
The plan is called the 401-Keg. Engineering Logic
Optimist: The glass is HALF full
Pessimist: The glass is HALF empty
Engineer: The glass is TWICE the size it needs to be 9 Words Women Use
Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' ... that will bring on a 'whatever').
Whatever: Is a women's way of saying 'Fine.'
Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.
For everyone who has ever had an evaluation - just remember, it could have been worse. Read these carefully, you may recognize someone! These are actual quotes taken from National government employee performance evaluations:
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock-bottom and has started to dig."
"I would not allow this employee to breed."
"This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
"When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
"This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts the better."
"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
"I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
"He's been working with glue too much."
"He would argue with a signpost."
"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
"If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
"A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
"A prime candidate for natural de-selection."
"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
"He's got two brains cells, one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
"It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
"One neuron short of a synapse."
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
"Takes him 2 hours to watch 60-minutes."
"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As most men will.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00 ... on one condition." Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said ....
"Clean my house."
Hile Controls, Inc.
311 Applegate Parkway
Pelham, AL 35124